Road to Recovery

For days, I have been waiting. Four days I have waited. Checking my mail any chance I get. Try to tell myself that there is nothing for me there. But the voice on the other side of my head tells me otherwise.

I refuse to partake on the poison I fuel myself with everyday, as an effort to forget the face that held my world. To live without that poison, would be suicide to some. I try to think of it as trying to live again. That face, that smile, that touch, is slowly fading away from my memory since I stopped taking the poison. I try to keep it that way.

Last night, I find myself not thinking of you. Without you in my mind, my nights seem so much calmer. So much more pleasant. I felt like I owned the night. That was a feeling I have not felt in a very, very long time.

Do I wish to set my eyes upon your beautiful face? my heart yearns for it. But I have decided to listen to my mind this time. I pray to God that I'm making the right choice. I want to forget you as much as I can. For when the time comes, and I know it will, I'll be forced to see you again. And by that time, I hope to learn to smile your way with no heartache. How I wish that day would come sooner.

Love has done this to me. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I beg to differ. The heart break I suffered didn't kill me. But it certainly made me weaker. For it gave birth to a fear. A fear of love, and of trust.

I fear making a new friend, lest I fall in love. And I fear to trust anyone with my heart, for fear that they will one day drop it, as the former recipient had.


I hate these fears. I hope to over come them during this long walk in the road to recovery. I don't know where I am right now. But I hope I'm half way there. Because I can't take much more of this self inflicted pain...