In the Back of My Mind

Naglalakad, nagsasayahan, doing everything you and I used to do. Not a care, not a fuck was given. All we knew was that we were together and happy.

Naramdaman ko uli ang gaan ng pakiramdam na pinaramdam mo sakin, so long ago. a Feeling I thought I forgot. A feeling I reserved only for you. Everytime I'm with you, those feelings come out. Everytime I'm with you, I feel so alive. But then I go and spoil it all.

I hate to admit it, but It's my fault we grew apart. I did things. I made things difficult for you. When you tried to reach out, I pushed you away and ran further away. When I did that, you thought I didn't care. You felt terrible. It was my fault. It.was. MY. FAULT.

I can say "I'm sorry" a million times, if I knew it would make things okay. I'd walk from Q.C. to Manila everyday, if I knew we 'd go back to how we used to be. But no. You made it perfectly clear to me that February evening. I remember what you said. It repeated itself over and over in my head until I got sick of it. You said: "Nothing will be the same again. Hindi na tayo trapped sa sarili nating mundo. Nadiskubre ko mundo kasama sila *****,*****,******, at *****. Kaya mag adjust ka na din."

Hindi mo alam kung gano kasakit yung mga salita mong yun. Sobrang sakit nun. remember nag absent ako for 1 week nun? dahil sayo yun.

Naiintindihan ko naman na may pinagdadaanan ka din. Kahit wala ka nang balak sabihin sakin ito. Di tulad nung nakaraan, na masaya pa tayo sa isa't isa. Masakit sa damdamin, at nanghihina ako, pero anong gagawin ko? Lalayo na lang ako. Magpapanggap ako na ayos lang tayo. (kahit hindi). Na magkaibigan pa tayo. (kahit parang hindi naman), na Hindi kita minahal. (Kahit sobra sobra ang binigay ko)

Wala na akong paki. Pinagbili ko na ang puso ko at pinalitan ko ng bato. Tingin ko magiging ayos ang lahat.
You're better at pretending than I am. So I don't know how you feel about me. Wala na ako paki. Ayoko na ma-bore mga kaibigan ko sa mga madadrama kong problema tungkol sayo. Kung ikaw nga nagsawa sa mga kwento ko, sila pa kaya...

Ito ang mga bagay na madalas, hindi ako pinapatulog sa gabi. Pero pinipikit ko na lang mata ko, and I try to find my "Happy Place". Kahit na ang Happy Place ko ay ang mga memories of you and me.

Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe I was never meant to love. I don't know.  And I'm trying hard not to care anymore.

Ito na sana ang last post ko tungkol sayo. mababasa mo kaya to? Part of me Wants you to read it. and part of me doesn't. Bahala ka na lang siguro kung mababasa mo to. I've shed my last tear for you.

I really don't want to waste more on you. Because you don't seem to care. and even if you do, I don't see or feel it.

Goodbye to you. and our Friendship. and our Memories. and to Everything we Used to be. We will never be the same again.