What NOT to do with Pets

I have owned and raised pets since I was eight years old. Here are a ten things you must not do to your pets. WARNING: These are incredibly stupid.

1. Do not feed dynamite to your pets. I dunno. I think it might cause them to die. or maybe explode. it's one or the other, or both! Well, yeah. when you explode you die. So yeah, I really don't think feeding dynamite to your pets when you run out of pet food is a good idea.

2. Do not teach them to fly. Unless your pet is a bird, I suggest you don't throw them off the roof in an insane attempt to teach them flight. Here's a tip to know if your pet does not possess the ability to fly: If they have four legs instead of wings, they can't fly. I think you're smart enough to see that.

3. Do not throw them in open fires. pets, like you, are NOT fire proof.

4. Do not teach them to drive. Apart from the fact that they have no sense of direction, they also cannot reach the foot pedals, let alone use the steering wheel. It will be a waste of time and a vehicle to even attempt to teach a pet to drive. But if you do succeed, congratulations! You have done the impossible!

5. Do not teach them to fix electronics. Pets cannot see colors. So they can't really distinguish between the red and yellow wire.

6. Do not let them use cellphones. They will call their other pet friends and have parties in your house when you're away, resulting in property damage. Also, if they learn to communicate with cellphones, they might try to plan a revolt against the human race, resulting in our downfall.

7. Do not tape them to the wall. If your pet is constantly going outside, and you fear for their safety, taping them to the wall is not the way to go. It will be a pain not only to you but for the pet as well when you try to get them off the wall. It might also cause baldness in pets.

8. Do not clean them with the vacuum cleaner. Is your pet dirty but you don't have time to clean them? The vacuum cleaner is NOT the solution to your troubles! Not only will it frighten them, but the vacuum might suck them in, resulting in more filth and trouble. Take time off. give him a bath. It's good for the both of you.

9. Do not give them chocolate. They will die. seriously. don't give it to them.

10. Do not send them to space. They might become more successful than you. Now, do you really want that?


NOTE: this list is just for fun. I understand that the reader is sane enough not to try any of the things mentioned above. Cruelty to animals is punishable by law.